O Christmas Tree

Twelve days to Christmas and we haven't bought a single present.  We have, however, purchased sheet rock, trim, carpet and bathroom tile.  We are spending our pre-Christmas days rebuilding, which doesn't exactly "feel Christmasy".  Even though I know how blessed we are, how much goodness is in our lives, the storm, the subsequent flood and trying to put our house back together just isn't what I want to be doing.  I've been having the "this is just not what I wanted to do" style of tantrum.

But while I was working in the garden today, I asked myself what exactly I expect the days leading up to Christmas to "feel" like?  Having bought into the collective delusions regarding the holiday season, I like to think of the weeks leading to Christmas as being filled with festive shopping and baking, happy parties with friends, and quiet time to sit by our fire eating cookies and drinking eggnog, contemplating the beauty of our Christmas tree.  This would be a nice way to spend the advent season.

I'm starting to think that the days leading up to Christmas are not meant to be easy.  Or maybe this is just me trying to make sense of my own personal Christmas journey.  I'll be honest: I really can't remember many Christmases past that were relaxing and easy.  It always seems to be a somewhat stressful time.  I do think that Christmas can be all of those good things, but I also wonder if maybe some hardship and struggle is part of the season too.  Or at least a part that we need to allow.

Christmas comes to us during the darkest days of the year.  While our circadian rhythms are telling us to sit by a fire and sleep, our cultural expectations require that we run around shopping and baking and planning and decorating.  And seeing all of our family and friends, and finding the perfect gift for everyone on our list.....talk about a recipe for stress!  And good reason to drink too much eggnog and eat too many cookies!

I actually do enjoy the holiday, even if it sounds otherwise.  There is so much about Christmas to love.  I still love setting out our nativity, arranging Mary just so, and placing baby Jesus in his manger.  I love the smell of our Noble Fir tree.  I love the Christmas music.  I love watching our girls get excited about buying gifts for each other, and excited about seeing their own presents under the tree.  I love hanging our stockings on the mantle.  I love the lights in these dark days (which is so beautifully symbolic).  And I love tromping around the woods with my adventurous, funny husband and daughters to find our Christmas tree.

And that is where I find Christmas.  It's in the moments.  Not always the ones I expect, but in the little joys, the passing peace.  The traditions that are ancient and blended and wise, like bringing evergreens into our homes, I find particularly sacred.  We are of this earth.  It is very dark right now, but the light will return as it always does.  And in the meantime, we bring as much light into our homes and our lives as we possibly can.  We find peace in the quiet spaces of time that come to us, and that we create.  And we trust that we have room for all of the goodness, the stress, the love and frustrations that come our way.  And for our crazy times, we have cookies and eggnog.